she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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