Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
