Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize