im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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