At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
