I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Drake has all the answers
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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