If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
