Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
