nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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