i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
