I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
