At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
