Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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