I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
