I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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