Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
