btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
