So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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