my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
