you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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