New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
