"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
