I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
