It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize