i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
