I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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