i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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