Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
