Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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