I feel like abortions should bother me more
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
