Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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