singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
