Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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