I wish I could teleport
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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