I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The uberlube is also flammable
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
