Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
