I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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