i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
farters have to be the big spoon...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
