My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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