can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
