Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
