i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
