I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
