remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
