new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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