my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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