Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
