I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
