i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
