I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
