i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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