I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Randomize
