I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sober January is a disaster.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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