i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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