I just pynch a tree in the face
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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