You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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