Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
