Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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