I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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