I wish I could teleport
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
