he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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