im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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