planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
