ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
