I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
