When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I have feelings that need drinking.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
