sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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