Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
