He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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