I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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