My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
