i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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