Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
