I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize