I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
