I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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