woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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