he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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