how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
