there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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