toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The adults are the big ones right?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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