News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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