got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
